Quotes, aphorisms and jokes about Christmas and Santa Claus

Funny quotes collection about Christmas and Santa Claus

“First of all you must believe in yourself!” – Santa Claus’ psychologist.
(Nonciclopedia, Twitter)

Christmas is the only time of the year when a bearded man can lay a parcel with unknown contents, and leave without anyone worried about it.
(Freddyglx, Twitter)

Santa Claus wears a Red Suit, He must be a communist. And a beard and long hair, Must be a pacifist. What’s in that pipe that he’s smoking?
(Arlo Guthrie)

I stopped believing in Santa Claus when I was six. Mother took me to see him in a department store and he asked for my autograph.
(Shirley Temple)

And if it was for real?
If the prayer, the letter, the desire,
that we express mostly to play,
were taken seriously?
If the realm of imagination and mystery
come true?
(Dino Buzzati)

Santa Claus has the right idea – visit people only once a year.
(Victor Borge)

On the Christmas table, we should put our smartphone on the right or on the left of the dish?
(AurelMorgan, Twitter)

From a commercial point of view, if Christmas did not exist it would be necessary to invent it.
(Katharine Whitehorn)

There are 4 stages of life; 1) You believe in Santa Claus. 2) You don’t believe in Santa Claus. 3) You are Santa Claus. 4) You look like Santa Claus
(Author Unknown)

Scrooge went to the church, and walked about the streets, and watched the people hurrying to and for, and patted the children on the head, and questioned beggars, and looked down into the kitchens of homes, and up to the windows, and found that everything could yield him pleasure.
(Charles Dickens, A Christmas Carol)

Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the house
Not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse.
(Clement Clarke Moore)

Christmas, children, is not a date. It is a state of mind
(Mary Ellen Chase)

Christmas is just like your job.
You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit.
(Author Unknown)

Christmas is a conspiracy to make single people feel lonely.
(Armistead Maupin)

Mail your packages early so the post office can lose them in time for Christmas
(Jonny Carson)

The one thing women don’t want to find in their stockings on Christmas morning is their husband
(Joan Rivers)

Perhaps the best Yuletide decoration is being wreathed in smiles
(Author Unknown)

Christmas is not as much about opening our presents as opening our hearts
(Janice Maeditere)

There’s nothing sadder in this world than to awake Christmas morning and not be a child.
(Erma Bombeck)

The Supreme Court has ruled that they cannot have a nativity scene in Washington, DC This wasn’t for any religious reasons. They couldn’t find three wise men and a virgin
(Jay Leno)

Why is a Christmas tree better than a man? Because it stays up, has cute balls, and looks good with the lights on!
(Author Unknown)

The worst gift is a fruitcake. There is only one fruitcake in the entire world, and people keep sending it to each other.
(Johnny Carson)

Christmas is the season when you buy this year’s gifts with next year’s money
(Author Unknown)

The Christmas tree, twinkling with lights, had a mountain of gifts piled up beneath it, like offerings to the great god of excess.
(Tess Gerritsen)

The Christmas tree is a symbol of love, not money. There’s a kind of glory to them when they’re all lit up that exceeds anything all the money in the world could buy
(Andy Rooney)

What kind of Christmas present would Jesus ask Santa for?
(Salman Rushdie)

I never believed in Santa Claus because I knew no white dude would come into my neighborhood after dark
(Dick Gregory)

You know you’ve grown up when none of the things you want for Christmas can be bought at a store
(Author Unknown)

Can I get a Picture of You so that I can show Santa what I want for Christmas?
(Author Unknown)

Santa Claus was good, but a reindeer got stuck among my teeth.
(?or?e Otaševi?)

There’s something about Christmas that’s magical. Money just seems to disappear into thin air
(Melanie White)

– I went to the doctor and we are going to have a baby. That’s my present for christmas.
– All i needed was a tie
(Woody Allen)

As they do every year, al-Qaida has threatened to disrupt and ruin Christmas. You know, we already have a group that disrupts and ruins Christmas every year. They’re called relatives.
(Jay Leno)

What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day
(Phyllis Diller)

Never worry about the size of your Christmas tree. In the eyes of children, they are all 30 feet tall
(Larry Wilde)

Where are the children who haven’t got their Christmas tree
with silver snow, fairy lights
and chocolate fruits?
Hurry up, hurry up, gathering,
We go in Chritmas trees land,
I know where it is.
(Gianni Rodari)

The perfect Christmas tree? All Christmas trees are perfect!
(Charles N. Barnard)

As we get closer to Christmas, these Christmas tree lots try to rip you off because they know you’re desperate. They know you need a tree. I was at a lot last night. I went to buy a tree. Needles sold separately. I couldn’t believe it.
(Jay Leno)

Santa Claus comes to us under many names: Kriss Kringle, Saint Nicholas, MasterCard.
(Phyllis Diller)

What does claustrophobic mean? It means he’s afraid of Santa Claus!
(Unknown)

Three phrases that sum up Christmas are: Peace on Earth, Goodwill to Men, and Batteries not Included
(Author Unknown)

Once again we find ourselves enmeshed in the Holiday Season, that very special time of year when we join with our loved ones in sharing centuries-old traditions such as trying to find a parking space at the mall.
(Dave Barry)

Dear children, don’t forget writing to Santa Claus. The address is: Mister Chang, toys factory for naive persons, Beijing, China.
(Watchmefall, Twitter)

I once bought my kids a set of batteries for Christmas with a note on it saying, toys not included
(Bernard Manning)

At Christmas there is half of the world who cannot understand how the other half of the world dared to give them such presents.
(Author Unknown)

The Pope: the only who never sees his boss, even at Christmas.
(Author Unknown)

We were so poor that my old man would go outside every Christmas and shoot his gun then come back and tell us that Santa Claus had committed suicide
(Jack La Motta)

A Christmas candle is a lovely thing;
It makes no noise at all,
But softly gives itself away.
(Eva Logue)

Christmas time! That man must be a misanthrope indeed, in whose breast something like a jovial feeling is not roused – in whose mind some pleasant associations are not awakened – by the recurrence of Christmas.’
(Charles Dickens)

My idea of Christmas, whether old-fashioned or modern, is very simple: loving others. Come to think of it, why do we have to wait for Christmas to do that?
(Bob Hope)

That’s the true spirit of Christmas; people being helped by people other than me.
(Jerry Seinfeld)

A lovely thing about Christmas is that it’s compulsory, like a thunderstorm, and we all go through it together.
(Garrison Keillor)

I felt overstuffed and dull and disappointed, the way I always do the day after Christmas.
(Sylvia Plath)

Christ climbed down
from His bare Tree
this year
and ran away to where
there were no rootless Christmas trees
hung with candycanes and breakable stars
Christ climbed down
from His bare Tree
this year
and ran away to where
there were no gilded Christmas trees
and no tinsel Christmas trees
and no tinfoil Christmas trees
and no pink plastic Christmas trees
and no gold Christmas trees
and no black Christmas trees
and no powderblue Christmas trees
hung with electric candles
and encircled by tin electric trains
and clever cornball relatives
(Lawrence Ferlinghetti)

I sometimes think we expect too much of Christmas Day. As for me, I like to take my Christmas a little at a time, all through the year. And thus I drift along into the holidays – let them overtake me unexpectedly – waking up some fine morning and suddenly saying to myself: “Why, this is Christmas Day!”
(David Grayson)

I wish we could put up some of the Christmas spirit in jars and open a jar of it every month
(Harlan Miller)

At Christmas, all roads lead home
(Marjorie Holmes)

He who has not Christmas in his heart will never find it under a tree.
(Roy L. Smith)

Christmas Gift Suggestions:
To your enemy, forgiveness.
To an opponent, tolerance.
To a friend, your heart.
To a customer, service.
To all, charity.
To every child, a good example.
To yourself, respect.
(Oren Arnold)